July 18th, 2024

I’ve been thinking a lot about a conversation I had a while back with my friend Kaya.

She’s one of the few reasons I find a way to survive in this chaotic world.
She’s also probably one of the very, very, very few people to whom I can vent my feelings.
She’s one of my oldest friends, so she knows which people or which incidents gave me lingering trauma.

I’ve always hesitated to let anyone know I’m feeling down or stressed. I never could get rid of a sense of guilt that I was irresponsibly passing on my negativity to someone else, just because I was too weak to deal with it on my own. (Of course, I don’t think this is true, but I’m harsh towards myself.)

Anyway, most of the things that stress me out, or even breaks me down, are related to family. (How original, right?)
Kaya’s one of the few people who’s seen and or heard most of my family drama. And, thus I tell her about a lot of it.
She listens, goes off on my parents, and then tells me she will always be there for me.

But this particular evening, she mentioned something she hadn’t before. She told me that she wished that I would start thinking about ways of improving my life.

At first, I was slightly taken aback. I was worried that I had driven her away, and the guilt started weighing in. Had I tossed my stress and frustrations onto her, just so I could take some weight off my shoulders?

But, what she meant was actually far more meaningful. She has been around for over ten years. And throughout those years, she hasn’t seen me wonder and think about what I wanted for myself in life. She didn’t know exactly what my aspirations were. And as a true friend, she wanted to see me grow. She wanted me to let go of my past, and start nurturing my life and soul.

So that’s what I plan to do.
I’ll write, and record my thoughts. I’ll see what brings me joy. I’ll keep track of what makes me cringe. And hopefully, by July 18th, 2025 I’ll know myself a lot better. Hopefully, next year, I will know exactly what I want, and better yet, I will already have it.