August 23rd, 2024

I miss my grandfather so much these days.

The relationship I had with him was very special.He was my father figure. He showed me support and encouragement without even having to say much. He believed in me, and although he was nearly deaf, I always felt that he could hear me in a way no one else could.

Watching the love between him and my grandmother taught me what I wanted in a man. He was always supportive of her, yet protective of his family all the time. He was never judgmental. He was always open-minded and curious about people from different cultures and new generations, but always stuck to his core values.

I still can’t bear to look at pictures of him. My heart breaks every time I think of all the memories we shared. In the last few years of his life, he was tied to his home. He couldn’t walk, and his hearing became worse. What was even more saddening about his situation was that his memory became even more clearer at this time. He was more alert mentally, and vividly remembered of all the amazing things that he had done when he was well.

I don’t like to think that he’s still watching over me. I’m not proud of how I act sometimes, and I don’t want to upset him. I don’t want him to worry about his family or feel as if he has to still protect us.

Instead, I hope he’s carefree and can listen to the beautiful sounds of nature. His hearing had been deteriorating since he was still relatively young, so I wasn’t able to share my favorite songs with him. I think of him a lot when I’m listening to music that I know he would have enjoyed.

Two of his favorite TV shows were 걸어서 세계속으로 (Backpack Travels) and 세계테마기행 (World Theme Travels). It was his way of traveling the world, and they were two of the few shows that provided adequate closed captions. They were both documentaries about destinations around the world, and captured the beautiful nature and cultures of other countries. I hope he’s visiting all the places he saw on the TV screen, and enjoying the beauties the world has to offer.

I’m not really religious, but something in me keeps tell me I’ll see him again. When I do see him again I can’t wait to share the funny stories from my life. I hope he’ll have a lot to share with me too.

I miss you so much 할아버지.
What would I give to hear you call me princess one last time.
This Chuseok is going to be so different without you.
I use to love the ocean, but every time I go to the beach, I can’t think of anything but you.
People say this sadness never goes away, but gets manageable.
Right now, I’m a mess and in tears.
The empty space in my heart aches more because it’s you who taught me to have a bigger heart for the world.
I love you and miss you in ways I can’t express with words.
Thank you for everything. Rest well.